


Starsky & Hutchinson Are Dead

by rosa_himmelblau



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Play (Comedy)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 21:53:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20122261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosa_himmelblau/pseuds/rosa_himmelblau
Summary: The flip of a coin can change everything.





	Starsky & Hutchinson Are Dead

  


** STARSKY & HUTCHINSON ARE DEAD **

** a play in three acts **

_ (In order of appearance) _

STARSKY

HUTCHINSON

CAPT. DOBEY

VANESSA HUTCHINSON

NICKY STARSKY

POLICE COMMISSIONER

_ (Props) _

Two guns

Table

Three Chairs

Coffee mug

Half a candy bar

Sheaf of papers

Red and white checked tablecloth

Cap gun (for off-stage shots)

Telephone

Pen

Two badges and I.D. folders

Rope

Gag

Two plane tickets

Pinwheel

and a Beach. I don’t care how you get it, but I need a beach.

Act One

** COMMITTED **

SCENE ONE

_ The stage is empty, except for a table with papers on it, and two  _   
_ _ _chairs the_ _squadroom. _STARSKY_ and _ HUTCH _each sit in one, _   
_ _ _across from each other_ _as if they are sharing a desk. They _  
_ _ _both wear leather jackets, shoulder_ _holsters, and guns, and _  
_ _ _jeans. All other clothing should be characteristic_ _of each man._  
  
_ _ STARSKY _ and _ _ tosses a coin in the air, catches it--there is no coin._

STARSKY Call it.

HUTCH Tails.

_ _ STARSKY _ looks at the coin--there is no coin._

STARSKY You get the coffee.

_ _ HUTCH _ rises, picks up the cup, exits, returns with cup._

HUTCH OK, what’s the assignment?

STARSKY _(Picks up a piece of paper, reads from it) _ One of us hasta    
_ _ get kidnapped and addicted to heroin. _(Again _ STARSKY _ flips the_   
_ _ _non-existent coin.) _ Heads or tails?

HUTCH Tails.

STARSKY (Looks) You lose.

HUTCH _(Nods) _What're you gonna be doing?

STARSKY You know, the usual talkin' to Huggy, trackin' down leads,    
_ _ saving you in the nick of time.

HUTCH OK. See you.

HUTCH _ stands. They clasp hands, look meaningfully into each_   
_ _ _ others' eyes, then  _ HUTCH _exits. _ STARSKY _ watches him go._

DOBEY _(comes out of his office) _Hutchinson, where's your partner?

STARSKY He’s not here, Cap'n. He’s on a case.

DOBEY What case? I didn't assign you two to anything.

STARSKY He's with a girl.

DOBEY Well, you go find him and bring him in here; I've got    
_ _ something for you.

STARSKY _stands and exits._

SCENE TWO

_ _ HUTCH _ is slumped against a wall, disheveled, jacket gone. _   
_ _ STARSKY _ enters,_ _looking panic-stricken. He is also not wearing_  
_ h _ _is jacket. Catching sight of_ HUTCH _, he goes to him, kneels down_   
_ _ _ to hold him. _ HUTCH _puts his arms_ _around _ STARSKY ,_ shaking._

STARSKY Babe, are you OK?

HUTCH Starsky, they strung me out on heroin and beat me up.

STARSKY Hey, it's OK, I’m here. You want a candy bar? _(Digs half a _   
_ _ _candy_ _ bar out of his pocket.)_ Well, I ate some of it, but you can    
_ _ have the rest.

HUTCH No, thanks.

STARSKY Dobey wants to see us. You up to it?

HUTCH Yeah, sure.

_ _ STARSKY _helps _ HUTCH _to his feet and they exit._

SCENE THREE

_ _ STARSKY _and _ HUTCH _are again sitting at their desks, going _   
_ _ _through papers._

HUTCH You hungry?

STARSKY Yeah. Where you wanna go?

HUTCH Doesn't matter to me.

STARSKY Italian?

HUTCH Sure, why not?

STARSKY Flip for who gets shot?

HUTCH Sure.

_ _ HUTCH _ takes a non-existent coin out of his pocket, tosses _   
_ _ _it into the air,_ _catches it, holds it on the back of his hand._

HUTCH Call it.

STARSKY Tails.

HUTCH _(Looks) _Heads.

STARSKY _ (Sighing) _ OK, what'll you be doing?

HUTCH Looking after you, worrying about you . . . you know, the usual.

_ _ _They stand, clasp hands, look meaningfully into each others'_   
_ _ _ eyes, then exit. _

SCENE FOUR

_ _ STARSKY _sits on the floor, a red and white checked table cloth_   
_ _ _wrapped around his arm like a sling. Sounds of shots come_   
_ _ _ from off-stage, then  _ HUTCH _enters, kneels next to him, hold_ _him._

HUTCH How ya feeling, Starsk?

STARSKY Not so good. Starsky, did somebody shoot me?

HUTCH I'm Hutch; you’re Starsky.

STARSKY Oh, right. Hutch, did somebody shoot me?

HUTCH Yeah, babe, somebody shot you.

STARSKY Where?

HUTCH In the shoulder.

STARSKY That's not so bad. Right? Did you get the bad guys?

HUTCH Yeah, I got 'em.

STARSKY _ (Closes his eyes, leans his head against _ HUTCH 's_ shoulder)_   
_ _ Can you get me outta here? 'Cause I don’t feel so good . . . .   


_ _ _ They continue clinging to each other. _

END OF ACT ONE

  


Act Two

** HALF-US **

SCENE ONE

STARSKY _and _HUTCH _ are again sitting at their desks. Phone_ _rings._

STARSKY _ (Picks up the receiver) _Hutchinson. _(_ HUTCH t_ouches_ _his _  
_arm, shakes his head.) _ Uh . . . Starsky here. _(Listens, making_   
_ notes)  _ Uh-huh, nine o'clock. Yeah, I'll be there. _(Hangs up)_

HUTCH Who was it?

STARSKY My ex-wife. She wants to meet you at The Pits at nine o'clock.

HUTCH She wants to meet me?

STARSKY Me, she wants to meet me, at The Pits, at nine o'clock.    
_(Shrugs)_ One of us.

HUTCH You wanna flip for it? _ (_ STARSKY _nods. _ HUTCH _takes out a_   
_ non-existent coin, flips it in the air, catches it, looks at it.)  _   
Tails? _(_ STARSKY _nods. _ HUTCH _ looks_ _at the non-coin.) _You go.

STARSKY _ nods. They go back to their paperwork. _

STARSKY Hutch? _(_ HUTCH _, busy with papers on the desk, does not_   
_ respond.)  _ Starsky? _(_ HUTCH _looks up, puzzled.)_

HUTCH Were you talking to me?

STARSKY Yeah, I . . . .

_ He stops, also puzzled. They look at each other for a long  _   
_moment, then_ _without a word, _ STARSKY _stands, walks around _   
_to _ HUTCH 's_ side of the table._ _They take out their badges and _  
_ I.D.s, compare them, then exchange them. _

STARSKY I'll call you in the morning.

HUTCH Take care of yourself.

STARSKY Right.

_ They clasp hands, look meaningfully into each others' eyes  _   
_ then  _ STARSKY _exits, _ HUTCH _watching him._

HUTCH God, he’s got a beautiful ass.

_ Phone rings.  _ HUTCH _picks it up._

HUTCH Starsky. _(Listens) _Uh-huh, I'll pick you up at the airport in half   
an hour. 'Bye. _(Takes pen from pocket, writes a note for_ STARSKY _ , _   
_reading it aloud_ _as he does so) _"Hutch, my brother called, he's    
here in town, I've gone to the airport to pick him up. Starsk."   
_(Puts note down, picks it up, looks at it)_ I don’t know what it is,   
but that just doesn't sound right.

_ He puts the note back down, exits _

SCENE TWO

_ Split screen effect--on one half of the stage  _ STARSKY _is_   
_crouched down,_ _examining _VANESSA's_ dead body in front _ _of _   
_him. On the other, _HUTCH _is standing in front of _NICKY, _who is _   
_gagged and tied to a chair. Both_ _of them look quite distraught._

SCENE THREE

DOBEY's _office--the table is _ DOBEY 's_ desk, two chairs on one _   
_side, and_ _one for _ DOBEY _ behind the desk. _ DOBEY _sits at his _   
_desk, the_ POLICE  COMMISSIONER _ stands next to him.  _   
STARSKY _ and _HUTCH _ enter._

DOBEY Commissioner, these are my two best detectives, Starsky   
and Hutchinson.

COMMISSIONER _(holding his hand out to _ HUTCH _) _Detective Hutchinson.

HUTCH _(as they shake hands) _I'm Starsky, he's Hutch.

COMMISSIONER _(holding his hand out to _ STARSKY _) _Detective Hutchinson.

STARSKY _ (as they shake hands) _I'm Starsky, he's Hutch.

_ They sit down.  _ HUTCH _props his feet on the desk._

COMMISSIONER This week you two are going undercover on    
an island owned by a rich old man in a wheelchair. You'll be   
shot at, have voodoo spells put on you, and you'll find dead   
animals hanging outside your window.

DOBEY Here are your plane tickets.

STARSKY _and _ HUTCH _take their tickets, leave _ DOBEY 's _office._

SCENE FOUR

STARSKY _and _ HUTCH _stagger back to their desks, arms around_   
_each other for support. They take their seats, lean exhaustedly_   
_ against the desk. _

STARSKY Alligators! I don’t remember anybody mentioning alligators   
when they told us about this assignment.

HUTCH Or you throwing me off a cliff.

STARSKY Yeah, they told us about that, that was part of the voodoo.

HUTCH They could've told me you were going to try to kill me.

STARSKY _ (Shrugs, holds his hand out across the desk) _You lost    
the toss. And I said I was sorry.

HUTCH _(Takes his hand) _I know. It's OK.

END OF ACT TWO

  


Act Three

  
  
** NO ANSWERS **

SCENE ONE

HUTCH _stands on the beach, holding a pinwheel. _STARSKY  
_enters, coming_ _up behind him. He puts his arm around _HUTCH's   
_shoulders._

STARSKY Whatcha doin', Starsk?

HUTCH Hutch.

STARSKY Hutch. Whatcha doin'?

HUTCH Starsky, I don’t think I can go on like this. I've been shot, I've   
been poisoned . . . .

STARSKY I was poisoned; you had botulism, and some plague with no   
name.

HUTCH Well, whatever it was, I was sick. I've been stabbed, I've had   
my apartment ransacked, my girlfriends beaten up or killed, I had   
amnesia . . . .

STARSKY You were faking.

HUTCH People have tried to set me on fire . . . .

STARSKY When was that?

HUTCH In the barn, remember? You got shot in the leg?

STARSKY Oh, right.

HUTCH My car’s been blown up, I've been trapped under my car . . . .   
I just don't think I can take any more.

STARSKY What're you complaining about? I've been shot how many   
times? Three? Four? And had my car blown up, and two   
girlfriends killed, and my ex-wife . . . .

HUTCH She was my ex-wife.

STARSKY Oh. Yeah. Well, I found out my brother's a crook, and I was   
attacked by a snake in a refrigerator, and kidnapped by weirdos,   
and I've been sea-sick . . . .

HUTCH When were you sea-sick?

STARSKY_ Murder at Sea,_ during the commercials. And every time I turn   
around, someone's dragging me off to the old zoo to try to kill me.

HUTCH You're right, Starsk.

STARSKY _ (Corrects him) _Hutch.

HUTCH Hutch. No, **I'm **Hutch. Anyway, you see I'm right, this is no   
way to live . . . .

STARSKY Assuming they let us live.

HUTCH Right. Not to mention having to pretend we're more interested   
in the women around us than we are in each other.

STARSKY Yeah. So what've you got in mind?

HUTCH _(Takes his badge from his pocket) _Throwing my badge   
into the ocean.

STARSKY Why would you wanna do that?

HUTCH I'm going to quit being a cop.

STARSKY_ (Sighs) _Then I'll have to quit, too. We've been partners   
for seven years, and you're the best partner I've ever had. Besides,   
we look so good together.

HUTCH _(Nods) _I guess you'll have to throw your badge away, too.

STARSKY But then what'll we do? Starsky, the only thing we're good at  
is being cops . . . .

HUTCH Hutch. ** I'm** Hutch.

STARSKY Whatever. Without our badges, we're just a couple of sexy   
jerks. We're not qualified to be anything but TV cops.

HUTCH That's a good point. _(_HUTCH _ looks at _STARSKY   
_meaningfully)_ There's only one other course of action.

STARSKY_ (Doesn't like this one bit) _Couldn't we just go to a movie   
or something?

HUTCH Hutch!

STARSKY You know you'll feel better after a good night's sleep.

HUTCH Starsky! By morning who knows what could have happened   
to us . . . someone could have left a bomb under our bed, or be  
waiting to amputate my legs because we once gave them a   
parking ticket or asked them to move along! This is no way to live!

_Resigned, _STARSKY _gets out his badge, looks at badge and I.D.,_   
_nudges _HUTCH. HUTCH _looks at his badge and I.D. They look at_  
_each other, exchange badges. Then they drop their badges onto_  
_the sand, then, hand-in-hand, they walk into the ocean._

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> I've loved _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead_ since I first read it junior year of high school, but it wasn't until the movie came out in 1990 that I got a chance to see it. I literally came home from that movie and wrote this play.
> 
> It was performed twice, both times with the same cast (I played Starsky), excpet for Vanessa, who was played by different fans. Somewhere the first performance exists on video.
> 
> The act titles are plays on the titles of three S/H zines: _Commitment; Half You, Half Me;_ and _No Easy Answers._


End file.
